Not a Knee-Jerk Reaction

Having previously experienced injury while training, my recent knee issues have got me worried about tomorrow. Like, genuinely worried. So worried in fact, I woke up at 3 am last night and my immediate thought was, "Should I be icing right now?" (This was followed by thinking about what I would write on the blog, which kept me up even longer. Stupid middle-of-the-night brain.)

As I mentioned the other day, my knee has been bothering me all week - to the point of pain when going up and down stairs, and discomfort when bending or squatting. This is obviously a problem, considering I'm meant to run 42.2 freaking km tomorrow. 

To try and alleviate the pain and get to the start line in good form, my routine this week has been: get up. Ice the knee. Go to work. Come home. Ice all night (at intervals, of course). Sleep. Repeat the next day. The exception was yesterday, where I stopped by the Race Expo after work but before coming home. I hobbled around there for a bit to pick up my race kit and check out some merch, but then went home and resumed my regular schedule of icing. 

Has it helped? A little... but maybe not enough.

Injuries blow

I know what it's like to not finish a long run; it happened to me back in 2012. It was awful. Devastating, really. But that was in training. I cringe at the thought of attempting number five tomorrow and clocking in a DNF - a "did not finish." But not even trying at all is not an option.

Some people might suggest I not run tomorrow, or try and switch my distance to the half. Let me just say: that's not gonna happen. I may be injured (or at least, on the cusp of injury) but number five is like my Olympics. It's water after being too long in the desert. It's my friggin' unicorn. And after all I've been through to get this close to completing number five, and after the year I've just had? No. No way I'm not at least attempting it tomorrow, with or without knee pain. 

Injury race strategy
I joked with a co-worker this week, that I will cross that finish line even if I have to g*ddamn well crawl over it on my hands and knees. Obviously, if I want to keep running after tomorrow, this may not be a smart strategy, with the risks of permanent or long-term damage a definite possibility. 

Me at the Race Expo. I may look happy,
but I'm crying on the inside.

At the Race Expo yesterday, I met the Team Diabetes staff who I've been corresponding with these past four-plus months or so, but had never met in person. I was telling them about the knee and one of the runners shared his story about having to be off running for nearly 10 years after pushing too hard in a race when injured. He reminded me that I've got to listen to my body, and do what feels right. If that means walking more than usual, then so be it.  

I went from analyzing my training data last week to see if I could eke out a new personal best, to now thinking I may not even finish. It's been a hard few days. But I think a shift in perspective will definitely be helpful, if not absolutely necessary. Training may have gone well - the best it's ever been - but the timing of this stupid knee has changed everything and, if I want to finish number five tomorrow, I'm going to need to let go of all that.

(Aside: for those I've provided with my estimated pace and finish times who planned to see me on the course, maybe adjust those down a little. And check to see where I am on the bib lookup website. Would be nice to know someone is checking I've not collapsed in a heap somewhere.)

I kneed a miracle
Knee puns aside, this injury/almost injury is a big deal, and I can't ignore it any more. I've never been the kind of person to believe in miracles, but I think I'm going to need one now. Let's hope the goodwill of running for charity and sharing my story about grief is enough currency to summon one up. Because I would sure hate to let any of you down: my donors, my supporters, my dad, myself. That would be a serious bummer. So... come on, miracle!

Until then, more ice, rest and trying to stay calm. 

Sure hope every little thing is gonna be alright. Come on, miracle!

Running Round-up: The Countdown Is On! Edition

Okay, friends. Here we are: T minus one month to number five-marathon day! Like, holy shit.

My week
I'm gonna level with you. It has not been a great week for running. 

After my encouraging 32 km run two weekends ago, I think I may have jinxed myself. Writing about how I was feeling all "confident" and wishing I could just "run this marathon tomorrow" and get it over with... man, was I ever asking for it. 

After a bit of socializing with friends... and scotch... and lots of it... last Friday night, I stupidly put myself out of commission for the weekend. So when I went to do my 23 km long run on Monday after work I told myself, "It's fine. Take your time." And I did. But the run was still shit. 

I was sooooo mad at myself! After cutting my long run short (only by a little; I ended up running 22.75 km - so close), I got home, grunted something to my husband and immediately retreated to a cold bath - y'know, for the legs - but mostly so I could be totally alone to stew in my own fury... and even though I was literally soaking in cold water, it did very little to stem the white hot rage I was feeling towards myself and my bad choices.

Truth. By: @kyle_j_kranz (via Twitter).

All I could think was: I'd been working so hard these past three-plus months and here I was, putting my training schedule and performance at risk... for a house party?? Fuck that. Somewhere around the 20 km mark my irritability peaked and, in that cold bath, I resolved right then and there to have a dry month, right up to the marathon. No more bad decisions. No more being so stupid. Not with elusive number five on the line.

But because I was so angry, that frustration with myself hung on like the smell of garlic right through the rest of the week and permeated every workout I did: a short 3 km treadmill run on Wednesday, and a resistance training day yesterday. All rage, all the time. So... not great. Only now is the exasperation I've felt all week finally starting to abate. 

Boo on you, Mother Nature

Indoor running due to inclement weather?
Thumbs down. And ugly face.

To top off a crap week, Mother Nature continues to be a downer on the west coast. After a spot of sunshine on Sunday/Monday, it's been nothing but rain and wind - and therefore complete misery. My current running attire is okay for rain, but I've been seriously considering buying all the rain gear, if for nothing else but to encourage the rain to just stop it already. 

On a high note: fundraising update
I didn't mean for this blog post to be all whiny and complainy, so sorry about all that. 

On a positive note, I've been lucky enough to have a few more very generous people throw their money at my campaign in the last few weeks, so I am now up to $2,701 of my $3,500 fundraising goal, which is extremely good news. Woohoo! And thank you so much, again, to all my donors!

Soooo close! Help a girl hit a fundraising goal??

This means I only have $799 (or as a salesperson would probably put it, "Less than $800") to go in my fundraising efforts and geez... wouldn't it be great if I actually hit that $3,500 target? Especially after getting so close?? 

If you haven't yet donated but would still like to, please do so here (at teamdiabetes.ca/goto/fiveorbust). It would mean the world to me - and would be a really great motivational boost after the week I've had beating myself up. 

Until next time
Have a great weekend, friends. Hopefully more cheerful updates to follow, especially with only four weeks to go until the marathon... gasp!

Even this beautiful reprieve from all the wet didn't help me much last week.
Reminder to self: make good choices.

And Then I Took The Day Off. From (Mostly) Everything.

When I had asked my manager for today off, I had running 32 km in mind. 

Imagine... a whole day during the normal work week to just go running. How extraordinary!

But then, I reconsidered. 

Imagine... a whole day during the normal work week... to just do nothing. How even more extraordinary!

I still have the weekend to get out and do my long run (which I shall) but I got a short run in this week, and even went to the gym yesterday. Plus, I've got a big stack of books borrowed from the library that I really should try and get through (yes, I still borrow books from the library - don't you?).

Also, I'm growing quite tired of running in the cold and rain, and am hedging my bets for the weekend to provide better weather. Come on, Mother Nature! Do a girl a solid, would you? That's the spirit.

Here's to my day off! Back to the couch and my many library books, I go.

Rain, rain, go away. © 2017 The Weather Network

Be Kind

When I look back on the four marathons I've already run, I have fond memories. Some were good (Victoria, Kelowna), one was okay (Surrey) and one was unexpected in so many ways (Saint John).

In my personal view, running the marathon itself is the best part. It's the part that's the most fun. It's the climax to 18 weeks or more of intense training - an epitomization, in many ways, of the work one has put in to get ready for a singular moment: crossing that finish line after running 42.2 km.

Training for those marathons, on the other hand, is - and others might disagree with me on this point - well, less fun. It's the work. I mean, who likes to do work, am I right? Yes, it's necessary. Absolutely. But some days, and because it's "necessary", it can feel "mandatory"... which, frankly, can suck the joy right out of running.

Knowing these things, having been in this position before, I've taken a more relaxed approach to training for number five. My overall attitude: work hard but, if certain things don't work out? Ah well! Illness, injury, work, family, busy-ness, overall malaise, life in general... shit happens.

What I've come to know is this: worrying excessively about how well I'm marathon training on top of being stressed over life can be brutal. If I think I'm not doing enough, running enough, not being fast enough, not eating well enough - it makes me feel bad. It makes me think I'm a failure. So guess what? I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna remind myself that no, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying - really hard. And then I'm gonna take the small wins every day because, really, what else is there? We, as individuals, need to celebrate our own accomplishments and recognize, ourselves, when we've done a good job. We can't rely on others to do that for us; that confidence has to come from within, no?

When I was running number three in Saint John, because it was such a small marathon, there were huge stretches of distance where I would be all by myself. And it wasn't a great race for me as I was undertrained and did not pace well at all. Being alone out there, it would have been so easy to just give up, to stop completely. I only had myself - and my thoughts - to rely on. Long story short, I struggled. But I made it.

My dad had this relaxed way about himself, and living life. I think it irritated my mom sometimes, who has always been a little more high strung (guess that's where my personality comes from). When I get stressed, I ought to think to myself: "What would my dad do?" Probably have a rest. Play some guitar. Watch some TV. And basically, chill the fuck out, a little.

Fans of the TV show This Is Us will certainly remember this conversation between Miguel and Kevin. Also, if you're not watching this show, you totes need to be. (GIF cred: TV Fanatic)

I reflect on this this weekend, as I've not been feeling well the past few days, and woke up this morning to more snow (g*ddamnit, Mother Nature! Bitch got problems), so decided to give myself a break from my long run. Does that worry me? A little bit. But I know I've also got to get over it - pick my battles, and have a better week this week. That's all I can do.

Be kind to yourselves, friends. Enjoy your Sunday.

A Life Well Spent

I write this while sitting in Paris' Charles de Gaulle airport waiting to check into, what will be, my sixth flight in two weeks on holidays. It's been a fantastic trip that has taken my husband and I to various parts of Europe as well as Morocco - and it's not even over yet.   

Waking up on an earlier flight today, I had this epiphany: I love travelling but I also love being at home. I can honestly say that I'm happy with the life I've built for myself. Sure, we all might question our decisions from time to time, but on the whole I feel satisfied. 

The past few years running marathons and writing this blog have shown me that setting challenges for oneself is important; it's helped me grow as a person and has kept me motivated in my running. These past few weeks being away, however, I've thought about my grad school convocation and the next steps in my career, but I haven't thought about running at all. 

I suppose it's telling, in a way. Goal setting is not just about picking arbitrary targets; it's about staying focused on one's own interests and priorities. When I started Five by 35, I dreamed about completing five full marathons, finishing up at the 2014 BMO Vancouver Marathon. Not only did I complete four, but I also put my career on hiatus and decided to go to grad school. Long distance running, for a time, became a secondary focus, one I needed to put on the backburner in order to accomplish the other things I wanted in my life. After missing out on May's marathon, I wanted to believe that I still had it in me to do number five. But if I'm being honest with myself, I just don't wanna. 

While it's important to set goals, perhaps it's just as important to recognize when we've outgrown the challenges we've set for ourselves.

I believe running will always be a part of me but, for now, marathon running is no longer in the cards. I have so much more to look forward to at this stage of my life. I'm still fresh from convocation and am resuming my career practically the instant I get home. I'm eager to put into practice the new skills I've learned in grad school, and use that experience to hopefully help people in some way. I'll make my husband join me on short weekend runs and, for now, given everything else in my life, that level of running is enough to keep me happy.

And so, for this final blog post on Five by 35, I wish you all enough challenges to keep you motivated, enough hardship to make you stronger, and enough happiness to last you a whole life long. Thank you so much for reading.

That's all she wrote. 

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Quick update: I've pretty much quit marathon training.

Last year, a friend from my Master's program came to this realization: "To succeed at grad school, I have to fail at everything else in life."

While sad, I've found this to be absolutely true - especially in these last three months before finishing up. Why did I decide to try and train for a marathon at the same time as completing my grad degree? Because I'm stupid, that's why.

So, no. No more running right now. I don't have time. It's not an excuse. It's just the way life is at the moment. C'est la friggin' vie.

I don't know if this means whether number 5 in May is a complete bust. At this point, nothing is certain. Will update again when I can.

P.S. If you don't hear from me, just assume I've suffocated under the soul-crushing weight of my thesis.

(Non) Running Round Up: First Edition of 2013

Happy 2013 and welcome to a whole new year of running!

I realize I'm behind on this kind of well-wishing, but I feel like I haven't had that much to say. I haven't been running, but I've been seriously thinking about it (that's worth something, ain't it?). I'd love to (finally!) share some of those thoughts with you.

Sicking Sticking With It
Getting into my shoes has obviously been a big problem ever since I ran marathon #3 in August. I feel like I've been plagued by illness ... and thanks to the blog acting as an online journal, after looking back, I apparently have been! One of my classmates also confirmed that ever since she's known me (i.e. since the start of the school year in September), I've been sick. I'm not trying to use this as an excuse for not running, but in some ways it's nice to have validation. 

My only thought on this: did I not run because I was sick, or was I sick because I didn't run? 

I do actually believe it's the latter. Obviously, there are plenty of studies out there that show physical activity helps to decrease stress and boost immunity levels. I haven't been running, therefore I've been stressed out and sick all the time. Makes sense! 

The solution? Go running. Go figure. 

Time Management is a Bitch, But ...
I found it extremely difficult in my first semester of grad school to balance schoolwork, life and running. And I know it's going to continue to be difficult for the next year and a half. Not that long ago, I got to the point where I seriously considered not running at all! But that's silly, right? Time management will always be a challenge. If I can figure this one out now (it will be a miracle!), I think being able to juggle any schedule in future can and will be possible.

Long story short: I'm continuing with the plan to run Five by 35. And blogging about it at the same time. While undertaking a Master's degree. (I must be out of my freaking mind.)

Racing 2013-Style
I'm just gonna lay it out there. Here's what I'm thinking: no spring or early summer races. 

I know it can be hard to stay on track that way, but here's the thing ... races cost money! And I'm a poor student now. I never realized before how expensive entry fees are, but that's because I was always earning money. 

I think, to give myself the best chance to finish marathon #4 this year, I need to pick a full that is scheduled for late summer or early fall. The current school term wraps up in April. Over the summer, I'll be working and doing a little research, but I'm not expecting to be as time-crunched as I am right now, which means (relatively speaking) I'll have oodles of time for slow long runs on weekends. 

(Sidebar: as I finished typing that last sentence, I got tingly all over. I'm gonna take this as a good sign that I'm ready to get back at it!)

Here's my shortlist for #4:

• The Santa Rosa Marathon on August 25;
• Sunriver Marathon for a Cause on September 1;
• Lake Chelan Shore to Shore on September 7; and
• Bellingham Bay Marathon on September 29.

The criteria I used to evaluate which races made the final cut were:

• Dates: as alluded to earlier, this one was the priority; 
• Proximity to home: if my husband and I have to travel, we didn't want it to be too far; and 
• Size: the last two marathons I've participated in were a little smaller, so it would be nice to run a race with a fair number of registrants.  

I need to pick one soon, so I can get it in the books and commit to it publicly ... always helps in the goal setting process! 

Will you help me choose? Please vote on the blog's main page!

Quote of the Day
This time it's from the man, Albert Einstein:

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Therefore, to get out of this non-running rut, I've gotta do something different. Got it. 

Thanks Al!

Thoughts on a Race Cancellation

My apologies for being absent these past few weeks! As you probably have guessed, things have been crazy. Grad school has been keeping me very busy. My parents relocated from the prairies. And if that wasn't enough, one of the bunny rabbits got really sick. Between trips to the vet, calls to my mother and studying for mid-terms, life has been nuts.

As hectic as it's been, however, I am certain that the toils of my life pale in comparison to what happened this week on the east coast with Hurricane Sandy. I sat in front of my computer, worrying, reading updates from friends in New York. But then the storm passed and our friends were all safe. And yesterday, I saw this, the announcement from the ING NYC Marathon:

"The City of New York and New York Road Runners announce that the 2012 ING NYC Marathon has been canceled. While holding the race would not require diverting resources from the recovery effort, it is clear that it has become the source of disagreement and division. We cannot allow a controversy over an athletic event - even one as meaningful as this - to distract attention from all the critically important work that is being done to help New York City recover from the storm. New York Road Runners will have additional information in the days ahead and we thank you for your dedication to the spirit of this race. We encourage runners who have already arrived in New York City to help with volunteer relief efforts."

The last thing I'd want to do is be overly critical of a type of decision-making situation which I have never personally experienced.  However, it's become such a big topic in the last 24 hours that I feel a need to comment.  

Source: nyrr.org

I understand that cancelling the race was certainly a challenging decision for race organizers, the New York Road Runners. But it makes a person wonder: why was this so difficult? Why claim no diversion of resources from those undertaking Hurricane Sandy recovery efforts? Seems like a false statement to me. Anyone who's ever observed or run in a road race knows that it takes manpower such as police and city crews to pull off such a large-scale event. In addition to all this, organizers waited until only two days before the event to make this decision when it was clear that many boroughs would not be supportive of the race going ahead. This resulted in many out-of-town runners being unable to cancel their plans and incurring costs which could have been avoided.

My gut reaction to all this is that organizers were wrong to have waited so long. The backlash they are receiving now is not unfounded. What makes it worse, is the way they have positioned the media as a combatant, citing: "extensive and growing media coverage antagonistic to the marathon and its participants." 

Screen shot from stridenation.com.

In this day and age of being able to continually receive feedback through social media channels, I find it hard to believe that organizers were oblivious to growing negative public sentiment to continue with the race following Hurricane Sandy. It's an unfortunate situation caused by something beyond anyone's control. It became even worse when organizers refused to listen to what people were telling them - but rather, forged on stubbornly with a frustrating kind of arrogance, even going so far as to say, "this year's marathon is dedicated to the City of New York, the victims of the hurricane, and their families."

People in New York told them to cancel, media reiterated that continuing with the race was a bad idea, and even runners around the world felt it would be wrong to go ahead. It's a shame that organizers weren't able to recognize all of this at a time when they should have been paying closer attention to what New York City really needed - not a race, not a defense to continue, but a need to come together instead of pulling people apart.

No Run Sunday

It's been two weeks since the Marathon by the Sea. Have I run since? 

Nope!

With the end of the summer in sight, a few leaving-dos from work to attend, and the deadline for my required summer reading for school looming right around the corner, I just haven't gotten around to it. I fully intend to get back out there ... but not right now.

In lieu of a Sunday long run, and while I'm still somewhat basking in marathon finisher glory, I wanted to share a great running commercial from a few years back. In my opinion, this depicts with scary accuracy what the day after running a marathon feels like. 

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, everybody!

More than once I've caught myself staring at stairs in just this way.